Press Release of the Day: Men, Here’s How to Prevent Your Wife from Becoming a Granny Panties-Wearing Slob

Gentlemen, the fine fellas at Just Don’t Wife Her[1] (motto: “Helping good guys by exposing Gold Diggers and Users One at a Time!”) have some shocking information for you : Once you finally “wife” a lady, she starts getting comfortable, thinks she can start lounging around in sweatpants, dye her hair any color she likes and, worst of all, throw away her lacy thongs in favor of hole-y granny panties.Clearly these women don’t understand the whole point of wifehood: That the whole point of their existence is to please you! To spend their days exercising and waxing and sitting around with foil in their hair to get it your exact favorite shade of blonde (or red or brunette; as a man, you are entitled to your preferences). All in little bits of lingerie with a strings of lace between their ass-cheeks.

It’s time to put these sweatpants-wearing bitches in their place. Gently, of course, with positive reinforcement, like a pat on the ass. (Women really dig that.) But let them know you will not stand for “your perfect ten [turning] into a deuce piece, with two stomachs.”

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